That Doesn’t Want to Talk
By Dr Bibiana Chan
I’ve been asked by a few parents, “How do I connect with a teen who doesn’t want to talk?”
I usually share two simple approaches that worked for me:
1. Movie evenings
Pick a film that interests both parent and teenager. Watch it together, then chat about it over supper. (A little junk food is absolutely fine!) Sometimes, conversations flow more naturally when they’re anchored around a shared story rather than direct questioning.
2. Heart-to-heart over a meal
Set aside time—weekly or fortnightly—for a meal at your teenager’s favourite restaurant or café. The key is to be an active listener. Let your teenager lead the conversation and show genuine interest (not just nodding along). It may take time to warm up before conversations deepen, and that’s perfectly okay.
These simple practices worked reasonably well for me when my child was a teenager.
In the book Seven Principles for Raising a Self-Driven Child: A Workbook by William Stixrud, PhD, and Ned Johnson, the authors place “Put Connection First” at the very top. This strongly resonates with our experience at CFS.
They also invite parents to reflect on their own relationships through questions like:
- Whom do you feel closest to in your life?
- What makes you feel close to them?
- What does this closeness mean to you?
- Who feels close to you—and why?
- When connection is lacking, what gets in the way?
- When you confide in someone, what responses make you want to open up again—and what shuts you down?
- Did you feel close to your own parents?
- How did they respond when you made mistakes?
I found these questions deeply insightful.
They brought back memories of my maternal granduncle, who lived with us. He was the number one adult I turned to—not so much to share my feelings, but my thoughts. My siblings also shared a close bond with him; we simply called him “2nd granduncle,” a term of respect in Chinese kinship.
I still remember the sleepless nights before my equivalent of the HSC exams. I would sit and chat with him—about life, values, current affairs, and my aspirations. He was a wise man with rich life experience. He listened attentively and shared his own stories. He never told me what I should do. Instead, he would smile warmly and offer a few gentle words of encouragement.
He had never studied Western psychology, yet he embodied deep Chinese wisdom.
Reflecting on this, I often encourage parents who feel disconnected from their teenagers—or even their adult children—to start with self-reflection.
I once gently challenged an Asian mother to ask her son (in his late 20s) about the highest score in the game he had just played, instead of asking what he wanted for dinner. She was surprised. Perhaps, for many Asian mums, feeding the family feels like the most important expression of care.
But connection sometimes begins with a different question—one that genuinely says: “I’m interested in what matters to you.”
Over the past six years at CFS, I’ve come to see that “putting connection first” is not just a principle—it’s a practice. We show genuine interest in what young people are good at, and we create spaces where they can use their skills, express themselves freely, and build confidence. At a recent DIY Flower Bar workshop, participants were given complete creative freedom with a wide range of materials. Every single participant shared that this freedom was what they enjoyed most. Time and again, we see how creativity nurtures confidence—because when young people feel seen, trusted, and capable, they begin to see themselves differently.
As we celebrate Youth Week, perhaps the invitation is simple: to pause, to listen, and to reconnect. Connection doesn’t begin with the “right” words, but with genuine presence and curiosity about what matters to our young people.
At CFS, we see this come to life through creativity—where young people feel safe to express, to explore, and to be seen. We warmly invite parents and young people to join our creative workshops, not just to make something beautiful, but to build something even more lasting: connection.
References:
Stixrud, W., & Johnson, N. (2019). The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. Penguin.
Stixrud, W., & Johnson, N. (2025). The Seven Principles for Raising a Self-Driven Child: A Workbook. Penguin.